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Marin County
Old 8th Mar 2008 17:14
Mangus
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The tornado in Marin County was vicious to say the least. Its aftermath touched just about everyone in the county. I was sixteen years old when it destroyed everything that mattered in my life I couldn’t believe it. Shocked, stunned, I dropped to my knees wondering why I lord had done this to me. I went to live with my uncle Red who was my father brother. Uncle Red home had been destroyed as well, but somehow he was able to survive. We did repairs for room and board all over the county. I didn’t know the first thing about building anything. I had to learn quickly if I wanted and sleep inside.

This continued form several months until one day A gentleman walked up to my Uncle and told that he had land that he didn’t need and were we interested in it. My uncle quickly informed that we were interested but didn’t have any money to purchase the land. The gentleman politely smiled and said it has already been taken care of. You see one he older women that we had helped had wealthy son. And when she told about what my uncle and I had done her, he decided that the payment of room and board wasn’t enough. He gave my uncle the deed for the land said thank you for all your hard work and walked away.

While we had been doing most of the repairs in the county, my uncle had accepted several different forms of payment for our services. One of those payments was an old pickup and a trailer that begun to show their age. My uncle would stand in front of it say that he was older than it was it should respect its elders. I really never understood that comment I just nodded my head kept on making the repairs. Before long, became pretty reliable, we loaded remaining materials from each job and place on in a pile on our new property. After, we had gathered enough materials we started building a house. It wasn’t a mansion or anything, but it was nice and it was ours.

It had been about year and half since the storm had changed the lives of Marin County and many ways we were better for it. I can’t remember when the community had been that close and loving. Each night, after we finished making repairs on the county homes, we would work a little on ours. Most of the work we did was nights and weekends, it seemed to be the only free time that we had. I noticed we were unloading scrap materials that our wood piles were getting larger. Someone dropped off the a few sheets of plywood and couple boxes of nails to boot. Each week the supplies kept coming until we finally got our home built. Uncle Red carved a sign that said Loving Acres on it. He said that this house was built from the love of the community.

Before long word had got out that my Uncle Red was the man to call if you needed some work done well at a fair price. As more he said yes, the more the jobs came. The next thing I know we had to hire crew to complete the work. He wouldn’t hire just anybody either, he try you out one day and he could usually tell within an hour if you were coming back the day or not. Finally, he built us a strong crew that did work that everyone could be proud of. After, the crew was built and the work kept coming in seven years had passed, I was no longer a young boy, I had become a man.

The telephone rang in the office and it was Mrs. Sterling calling for my Uncle, she seemed to have more trouble with her house than anyone in the county. The funny was that her house wasn’t touched by the storm. I told her that I would handle her situation personally since she was valued customer. She screamed into phone, “no the hell I wasn’t and would fetch my Uncle if I knew what was good for me” I hung up the telephone and called my uncle on radio and him what she said. He laughed and said he would take care of it.

Well that night he got home later than usual. He said that had taken care of Mrs. Sterling problem and chuckled a little a bit we sat down to dinner and he said he had something that he had get off his chest. I guess I was supposed to read his mind, because he only thing he talked that night was work. We told a couple of jokes and discussed the layout for the remainder of the week. Finally, Uncle Red said that he tell me later what he had his mind. Then he got up and went bed.

The next morning started like most mornings, except there was a letter a couple of envelopes on the kitchen table. The letter read that it was time to start my own life and get of his house before he got back from work. I looked in the first envelope; it was filled with large sum of money and instructions that I was to follow. I grabbed some clothes and pickup truck keys and headed out the door. I was driving pretty reckless I was pretty upset because, if I saw Uncle Red I was going to put my foot in his butt. How dare him kick me out the house. I was across town then I saw his pickup parked on the side of the road.

I pulled over to see what was going on. I called out his name several times and had no answer. I was beginning to worry a little so I started walking down this trail that I found through woods. The trail went on for about two miles ended up by a stream that had a small shack on the bank. I started walking up to the shack, as I got closer the shack I could hear voices. I started to call out, but decided to sneak up instead. The door the shack was partially opened I could see two people inside.

As I crept closer I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I definitely knew that I had to be extremely quiet. I didn’t want disturb the people inside the shack. Now, I was standing in the doorway watching in disbelief. This was my first time watching people have sex. I suppose, I should say live sex show. I guess anyone has seen at least one porno. I have to admit it was quite a bit different. I was nervous and scared; I thought I was going to get caught at anytime. I felt weird, strange and I guess was excited. My member was harder than I could ever remember. As I continued to watch the more excited I got. I thought I was going explode. I went around the corner to catch my breath I was panting like a dog. I could barely control myself. I started walking back up the trail steadily trying to regain my composure. After, a few moments I got it together. I walked back to the shack to finish the show.
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Old 10th Mar 2008   #1
greedyandneedy
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Default Re: Marin County

I have to be honest, this needs work still...
It's probably hard to hear, so I apologise... I'd say it's pretty obvious that your English needs to be re-read, and possibly proof read by someone else. It can be very hard to check your own work.

In all honesty, this story just isn't easy to read. Articles missing, sentence structure is often incorrect... it takes so much effort to read that you cant get caught up in the story

The actual story is ok, the events flow but it's lacking style. I'd recommend trying to start again with something shorter and less complex in its actual story. Your descriptions can be really good, and this has potential, but it needs to be polished, and warmed up.

I hope that doesn't offend, it's not meant to. Keep working, and if writing erotica is really something you want to do, you'll get there.
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Old 11th Mar 2008   #2
lilypad
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Default Re: Marin County

I agree with Greedy - it is very hard to read.. very choppy, a great number of missing words.

I edit my stories more than I write them. I throw all the words on paper, wait a bit and edit. I edit again and again. Then usually before I submit them for publishing, I ask a close friend of mine to read it one more time. I want the reader to be unable to take their eyes away, to feel their heart beat accelerate, to arouse them sexually and make them want more. If this all happens to my friend, I publish it.

Here is a slight revision of your first paragraph...... Maybe it will help get you on the right track.
**
The tornado in Marin County was vicious to say the least and its aftermath touched just about everyone in the county. I was only sixteen when it destroyed just about everything that mattered in my life. At such a young age, I found it difficult to believe that my life would be so changed by this one event. I was forced to take up residence with my Uncle Red, who was my father's brother. Well, I wouldn't really call it residence since we moved from house to house making repairs in exchange for a plate of food and a warm bed.

When I first arrived at Uncle Red's feet, I didn't know the first thing about repairing or building anything. I learned quickly that a bed inside the house depended on my ability to do just that.
**

Now... is the reader to ASSUME that you lost your parents???? I mean, we can only guess that is why you moved in with Uncle Red.

Just compare the corrections I made, and you may find something more suitable, and see if you notice the FLOW.

I hope it helps get you started in the right direction. There is much help to be found here! Good luck!!!
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Old 11th Mar 2008   #3
kittykat
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Default Re: Marin County

I have to agree with Lily and Greedy here. It was pretty choppy, and a pretty hard to read. I found myself going back and reading the two sentences before to make sure that I was understanding it correctly.

Lily and Greedy have pretty much said all the things that I wanted to say, so, I will reiterate the encouragement for editing and proof-reading. It is extremely important to writing, whether it be erotic literature or any type of writing. Always make sure that you go ver the story to see if there are words missing, and if things flow together. Hence, the editing and proof-reading. I would suggest what Lily has, that you find someone whom you trust and let them read it to point out any edits that have to be made. And, also, find someone who would be able to help you with those if you are not quite sure how to do it.

I would like to offer my services for you, if you'd like. I like to help out other authors in any way that I can. Hope this helps you out on your way to becoming a great erotic writer!
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Old 14th Mar 2008   #4
Mangus
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Default Re: Marin County

Thank you greatly for your criticism, I have been working on a the revision of this story. I was hoping to post the revised version. I didn't realize that Lily was going to post the older version. Perhaps, I should have said something. After, rereading the piece I say that I larger amount errors. Most of them have been corrected. However, I still working on it I'm not ready to publish it even in the construction yard yet.

Thanks again for comments

Mangus
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