A work in progress

Nightwatcher

This is the intro of a story I have been working on for a while and would love to find out what you think. The way the story is shaping up it seems to be quite long as well as full of several twists and turns all regarding a sleepy southern town with many secrets...

Please give me some feed bad about the intro and maybe a couple of possible ideas...

Thanks Night


DANNI


Danni Carey sat looking at the green-gray walls of the Mariposa County Sheriffs Department, her mind racing as images of her young lover filled her thoughts. She could still hear their voices almost in unison crying out each others names as they climaxed together. Bodies entwined their passions high, they had been together this time for almost three days. Three days of raw sex and making love. Three days of talking about almost everything and then hours of silence as they explored each others bodies, touching, tasting. Danni smiled a soft smile thinking about her lover just as Sheriff Bowers voice invaded her thoughts and returned her to reality.

“So Mrs. Carey would you please explain again what you were doing at the motel and what happened?”

Danni sat and thought about the last couple of hours as she answered the Sheriff’s questions.

“Well, like I told the officer, I was staying at the motel, just to have some time to myself away from the daily grind I had gotten in to. I spent time down on the beach, out by the pool and just roaming about shopping and relaxing.”

“Yes, ma’am I understand that part but what about the body in your room, I mean what happened there?”

Danni paused, thinking about her husband and the effect of what she was about to say would have on his standing in the town as well as her own. Danni was sure that her secret tryst would not raise any eyebrows here in Mariposa County, but back home in Elinda her little fling would probably cost her and her husband dearly.

Elinda Mississippi, population 1201. The four major businesses in town were owned and operated by the four Elders of the Elinda Baptist Church. All of their employees were members of the church. Everything in town was centered on the church. There were no taverns, bars or dance halls. Restaurants did not serve alcohol and the strongest thing in town was a good glass of sweet tea. People lived a simple life with strong values and the idea of a wife having an affair was unheard of. There was no divorce, no domestic violence, in fact there was no crime, unless you include some pranks by the local boys like turning street signs upside-down. So Danni’s admission of being unfaithful was sure to have some major repercussions.
“Mrs. Carey, Mrs. Carey can you explain the body?” The Sheriff was getting frustrated. The last thing that he needed was some sort of unsolved crime right in the middle of tourist season.

Danni looked the Sheriff dead in the eyes and said, “She was my lover and she died in my arms.”

Sheriff Bowers could not help but show the surprise on this face. This woman was from Elinda, and everybody knew about Elinda.
“Ma’am, are you sure that you want to make that your statement. I mean, are you sure that is what really happened?” he asked, disbelief in his voice matching the shock in his eyes.

“Yes Sheriff, that is what happened. We had been making love, we both reached our climax together and she just collapsed in my arms. She looked up at me, smiled, whispered my name closed her eyes and she died.”

Sheriff Bowers took down all that Danni told him and then passed it over to her to read and sign. Just as she finished signing the statement the telephone rang and after a brief exchange the Sheriff hung up and turned to Danni.
“That was the coroner, seems that your friend had a bad heart and she died of a heart attack. I am sorry that this happened to you Mrs. Carey, you are free to go and no charges will be filed since this is a death of natural causes.”

Danni stood and walked slowly through the door only to find her mother-in-law standing at the desk talking to the officer on duty there.

“Now son I really don’t give a rats ass about what ya’ll have as policy.” Her voice was a tribute to the slow sensual sound that is the epitome of the classic well-bred southern woman. “I am here to pick-up my daughter-in-law and I suggest that you get a move on and find out when she will be finished so I can get back to Elinda. I have a ladies meeting to get to and a few other things that need to be taken care of.”

About that time she turned and saw Danni standing at the door. She smiled and walked over to her, taking Danni in her arms she offered a hug that seemed to be a bit to tight. Holding Danni by the arms she pushed her back and looked into her eyes, her full lips parted as she started to ask what had happened. Danni just looked at her and shook her head no, pulling away Danni walked across the room and through the door standing outside allowing the hot salt filled summer air to wash across her, warming her face.
Martha Diane Carey followed her daughter-in-law out the door standing just behind her. She was full of questions about what had happened and why Danni had decided to call her and not her husband from the sheriffs office, but she decided that it would be best to wait and let Danni open up in her own time and in her own fashion.

“Danni, what do you want to do about the car? You want to try and drive back or do you want to ride back with me, or what? Martha had arrived in one of the three limos she and her husband owned. It was said that Martha had not driven a car since she married and more than likely did not have a drivers license anyway. Danni looked over to where the deputy had parked her car, a 2004 cherry red Mustang convertible. She turned to her mother-in-law and said, “ How about we drive back in my car? I am sure you will enjoy the ride and we can talk with out others knowing all about what happened?”

Martha shook her head in agreement and told Danni she would be right back. She turned and headed back into the Sheriff’s office as Danni slid into the drivers seat and waited for her. After about 15 minutes she returned, spoke to the driver of the limo and climbed into the passenger seat of the low slung Ford. Danni fired up the engine and backed out slowly and soon was on the open road headed back to Elinda.

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lilypad

Very interesting story line so far and it has left me anxious to hear the rest of the story. Just make sure that you keep it flowing and include some very sexual or hardcore sex scenes.

I can't wait to see the finished product!

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Jonathan_Philips

Sounds like you have a novella on your hands if not a novel.

Some excellent use of language. So far I found it rather evocative. I could point out some tiny short comings if you wanted me to, but you may rather I didn't bother or did so in private. I only mention it because so far I am really impressed and think I may be able to give you some tips on increasing the tension and atmosphere.

JP

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Nightwatcher

Thanks Jp after reading your stuff any suggestions are more than welcomed. I was afraid that I might have bit off abit more than I thought when I started this....Who knows it might just fly

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Jonathan_Philips

Okay then Night! I cannot see that you have anything shorter than a novella on your hands here. It will be hard work to complete, but if you have the story mapped out in your mind then go for it!

I have just tried to go through the first two paragraphs offering new ideas, but it was getting terribly clumsy, so...I will simply edit them a little and you can see what changes I have made and decide if you like them or not.

I cannot stress enough how these are simply my ideas and are no more valid than your own...

Danni Carey sat in the interview room, staring at the gray/green walls of the Mariposa County Sheriffs Department. Her mind raced as the image of her young lover filled her thoughts.

She could still hear the echo of their voices crying out each other's names in unison as they were overwhelmed by their shared climax, their bodies entwined, their passions high.

They had been together this time for almost three days solid. Three days of raw sex and pure love-making. Three days of talking about anything and everything followed by hours of silence while they explored each other's bodies completely, touching and tasting.

Danni smiled softly at the thoughts of her lover before Sheriff Bowers' voice rudely invaded her reverie and brought her crashing back down to reality.

“So Mrs. Carey...would you please explain to me once more why it was that you were at the motel and what exactly occurred?”

There you go! This is still not how I would have written your story myself, but I didn't want to try and take over your ideas completely.

I think you need to make it even more evocative. If you read my recent article on writing an erotic story I discuss how important description is. It may feel as though you are overdoing it at the time, but read a passage from a novel or story you admire and you will be amazed by the level of detail that is printed without you even being aware of it.

There were a few punctuation marks missing in the original but I suspect you would have spotted them upon editing.

When writing dialogue try to imagine your character speaking. Don't just write the point they are trying to get across, write the way someone like that would actually speak.

Good luck with it and I look forward to reading the final story.

JP

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